the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
