My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm both gender and math confused
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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