Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
