I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
