I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
