Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
