So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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