I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
