Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
