Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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