i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need water and some morals
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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