if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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