I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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