he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
