I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
