she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
