A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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