Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
