I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
