i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
