I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
