Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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