I just saw a hot homeless man
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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