I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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