We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
