Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
