I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
