I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
