i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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