After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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