by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
