I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
