There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
