I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
