This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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