So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
God I need to hump something, right now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
