Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
