the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
