I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
