now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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