Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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