I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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