Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Boobs speak an international language.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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