that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
