I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
