overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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