Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
