omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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