U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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