the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
